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gave up. [Nov. 8th, 2011|12:16 am]
'People say one is the most beautiful when they're giving their best and the ugliest when they'd given up'
I sincerely hope you're ready for my ugly side. Because you haven't seem to be appreciative. And Im tired having to analyse and evaluate every single thing people around me say because of you. To put in short, Im sick of thinking if whatever i do will worsen the relationship. Living my life so cautiously. I ain't even this cautious when Im with my parents. But all you ever do is avoid me even more when Im trying. Ignoring my existence. And some how make them go along with you ignoring my existence.

I hoped that you would be more considerate than this.
I was just plain naive to have though of that.

Its like you've got them on your side so deep. You can just go on. I don't know what i want to do from now.
I doubt every move. Every text. Every sentence that they're making.

Oh and. If you want to keep things from me. Hide it well please.
It only hurts my more when i know it and realise that you're hiding it from me.
Idk if Im silly, but when i knew i want supposed to know, i actually hoped that its because y'all are thinking because of my illness and that's why y'all didn't ask me along. I hope its because of that.

Or perhaps you'll laugh. At how silly this slut is, trying to stick her feet into your clique when she's obviously not wanted.

If this isn't what you wanted, then perhaps you should start trying yourself.
Start by trying to meet my eye when y'all talking to me. And try not to sound so nonchalant when i try to start a Convo with you.

That's all. That's it. It all ends here.
The end.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

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Sickening. [Nov. 1st, 2011|10:10 pm]
[Current Mood |angryangry]

I don't know what's happening.
I suddenly have this darn strong feeling.
It's so freaking fake. I don't know if i should even feel this way.
Maybe, i'm acting up again.

But why, do y'all want to make it look alright but still, the right feeling still isn't back.
Still not included. The 'we','us','they' always excludes me.

It's either you truly include me and it looks ok.
Or don't bother making it look ok if y'all have no intentions of including me as 'we'.

Y'all say y'all don't take sides. I don't know what to say about it.


Perhaps y'all shouldn't take this post seriously.
I am at the peak of my anger.

I just suddenly felt so pissed.

Stop.
Please.
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Knowing. [Oct. 26th, 2011|10:31 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Mood |gratefulgrateful]

Knowing what to do at the right time is very important.

But right now, i'm helpless, i don't know what more i can do.
I keep repeating myself, that i didn't got upset because of a difference in views.
It really really isn't. I can't emphasize more.

Well, the last time i checked, it seemed to be going well. Was a happy girl for the entire day. 
Yes yes, just because you spoke to me. 
I couldn't deny that i was genuinely surprised, but it was a pleasant one.
But it didn't last for long. I began thinking again.
God, i really think i think too much. This thought popped into me, what if you're just being nice because we still need to do work together. What if, after work had ended you'd go back to 'misunderstanding' stage. 
All this thoughts robbed some of the happy feeling i had. But i decided i shall not let the happy feeling be stolen.
That memory, would be one that i'll hang on, whenever i'd feel like giving up. 

Now, for some normality's sake.
I decided to meet up with Chingz yesterday, have our over due Starbucks date.
Since its Deepvali today.
Chingz made me feel like, maybe i haven't grown up enough. I think i grew up, but after talking to her, i felt, maybe not enough.
Our talk, no longer have much of those light hearted experiences, those jokes that we used to had.
It was fun, recalling how early we went to VJ together, and had breakfast at 8am in Marine Parade.
I realised, alot has changed along the course of this year. 
But one thing that hasn't change, the presence of a friend.

Before meeting up with her, i was afraid that it'll be awkward.
But surprisingly it didn't. And honestly, i didn't know Chingz for a very long time. But, she is probably one of the few friends i can talk comfortably with. That's affinity i guess.

It's amazing whenever i think of her, how we met, how we started off from joking during Reading Sessions, to friends close enough to be going to crazy place at 6am in the morning. Then have such talks at Starbucks. 
Its as if that in this whole year that we weren't able to meet up, we weren't drifting away. We were simply accumulating the things that we would say to each other once we have to chance to.

Okay, maybe Starbucks for Chingz wasn't all for normality. I needed a friend.
Like i said in previous post, Dummy is way to busy for me. 
Chingz made time for me, which i cannot express how grateful i am.
We talked about how we grew, how she survived this year.
Then i went on to say how much fun i had this year, so much fun that i screwed up my academics.
Most importantly, we agreed that NJ is filled with good people.
Including ourselves of course :D

I hope my amazing life at NJ would come back. Sans the playing too much and sucking in academics part.
I want to be able to strike a balance between work and play.
Plus all the amazing people around me, no one can be left out. Without any one of them, it'll be like a puzzle that can never be completed. Cliche? But its true.

Now, perhaps its time for me to return to my OP.
This amazing idea i had. I hope people can agree with me.
Meaning, that they'd feel its a good way to present. And that it wouldn't feel too boring. Hee.
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Let's make it right. [Oct. 20th, 2011|09:10 pm]
[Current Mood |depresseddepressed]

It seems like whenever i have an urge to post something on LJ, its always when i am down.
And when i have no one to talk to.
This time, that Dummy is all busy with her A's, can't be bothering her about such things.

I'm still in the process of learning.

'No, i'm no hypocrite'
When i smile, i mean it. 
When i sulk, i mean it.
My face shows almost all of my expression. I can't lie with my face. Poker faces don't work well on my face, and i find it extremely hard to smile when i'm upset and sulk when i'm happy.
And, i certainly hope you know that, because if you don't then i don't know what to say cos you've been around me for awhile now.

I think, i'm a simple person.
I mean, how complicated can a person be when all her expressions are expressed smack on her face?
I find it extremely taxing to put up a facade. Especially now, when i'm all drained. 
Its so tiring for me, i thought i can trust you/y'all. I've had one of the happiest period of my life, i don't want it to go bad.

I fervently hope its just some lame misunderstanding that will just go away. If what A told me was true, then thank god, you're the true person i knew. If you aren't, then you're scarier than anyone i've ever met because you put up the act so well.

I'm trying my best now and i'm on the verge of giving up. It drains me both physically and mentally, i'm doing what i can, making the effort because i treasure you. I'm not sure if you feel the same, but i hope you do, because i can't do this alone. 

The way you treat me is like mood swings. I admit i'm darn sensitive now, a simple 'what?' that sounds mean would totally upset me, a simple smile or eye contact when we're talking will put me over the moon. Or just try including me, it seems like you invited everyone except me. I don't know if you thought that i would initiate that i want to go, but since you mentioned everyone's name, mentioning my name along with others wouldn't make it too many. It's my 'style' or my way to understand that if you don't ask me, its either you don't want me to go, i ain't  invited or you simply dislike my existence. 

I'm starting to doubt what i see and hear from everyone. But the most i doubt is myself. I keep telling myself to hold on, to keep trying and i'll be able to fix it. I'm starting to feel i can't, its the same thing, idk how long more i'd hold.

I think we seriously need to talk about it. Just me and you, without A,B,C,D,E. 
Let's talk about it soon shall we? I think you sense the problem too.
Just tell me straight in my face then you don't want me around, make it easy for everyone. 
Then i wouldn't have to be this fool to try to hold onto a 'friend' when you don't even treat me as one.
Then, i can freely let myself hate. I don't have to suffer in this Ice and Fire, where i don't know my stand.

I don't want to start hating only to realise i misunderstood and i ruined my chance at an amazing friendship.

I don't want to have to seal myself again. Sealing up is the easiest way to not be hurt. But it also is the loneliest method.
Don't want to go through it again, this time it ain't 6 months, its going to be for another year.

Let's make it right.
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Dumb. [Sep. 27th, 2010|05:24 pm]
[Current Mood |angryangry]

Its just freaking annoying. I did everything i could. I still end up there.
Wth. You said nothing, absolutely nothing.
Not even you knew i was wrong. Yet you gave me that look.
I stayed up like #$%^ just to complete everything. Only to know its a waste of my effort and time.

Blame who? Me. My fault, my fault.
My fault to want to try my utmost to complete everything.

Just me and my stupidity.

FML.
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